my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
