Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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