where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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