Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
