I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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