why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
