I think my vagina is haunted
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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