a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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