i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i wish my penis had a tongue
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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