Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
