You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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