Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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