Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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