This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
