I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
