There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
