The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
