Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
