ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
