So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
