we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
foreskin is a definite game changer
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
