I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
