I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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