Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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