i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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