I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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