I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
