His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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