i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
