I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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