so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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