When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The uberlube is also flammable
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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