Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
