We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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