They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
