i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
