didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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