When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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