never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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