I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
