he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
