first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
