My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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