he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
