Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
