ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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