finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
