guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
