pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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