Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
