you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
