Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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